Dying Matters has come together to offer some comfort and support by sharing personal advice on how to cope with grief during significant festive holidays, like Christmas, Diwali, Hannukah or Eid al-fitr.
-
Dedicate a moment.
“The first year without my dad I was dreading Christmas, the best bit of advice I had was to dedicate a moment of the day to him, it gives space to release some emotions and build some capacity to enjoy special moments.
“We light a candle, say a few words and visit his bench. We also leave a space for him at the table too, it is nice to feel like we can talk about him and share our memories” ~ Lucy
-
Say ‘no’ to normality.
“My piece of Christmas advice for the recently bereaved, would be to say no to normality!
“This Christmas will be unlike any you’ve experienced before, so be kind to yourself and do it your way. If that means recreating Christmas past then that’s all good, but if you’d rather just have cheese on toast and watch Bagpuss and Mr Benn or a Scandinavian-noir marathon that’s totally fine.
“Maybe introduce a new ritual to Christmas… a photo of your loved one on the tree maybe? Whatever you do, try to look after you.” ~ Kate
-
You owe no one your most sparkly self.
“To anyone preparing for their first Christmas without a loved one, I would say to you, do not put any pressure on yourself. Show yourself kindness and patience, do whatever brings you comfort and gets you to the other side of it (including saying no!). It does not need to be the most wonderful time of the year, you owe no one your most sparkly self.
“This year, I am off work, and looking forward to spending Christmas Day with my family. I still carry my grief with me every day, and Christmas will be no exception. But, I’ve accepted we’re lifelong companions, and I feel ready to reignite some of our old traditions, as well as making new ones.” ~ Katharine
-
Share the grief.
“My brother died on the 23rd of December. As Christmas approached, time carried on and our worlds became wholly and distinctly separate. One where happy faces of people thinking about a future, of twinkling lights and shiny gifts and another where solemnness and retrospection was pervasive.
“Last year I travelled to the hospice and stood outside the front doors. It was hard to imagine that it was his last place of living, but I felt that it was a peaceful and my memories of his time there were positive in spite of the pain of his absence.
“A first Christmas without a loved one is hard as the whole holiday is punctuated by an empty space. The temptation is to try to pretend that Christmas isn’t happening or that it just feels full of grief. It will be all those things, but it can also be about a time of remembering the person who has gone, sharing in the grief because grieving alone is unbearable.” ~ Lynette
-
Be kind to yourself.
“Take the pressure off and be kind to yourself. It’s difficult to know in advance quite how you might feel as events with particular importance draw near. Perhaps you and your loved one would always attend the switching on of the Christmas lights in town, or you both looked forward to visiting family for a festive celebration.
“It’s fine to take things as they come and see how you feel. Everyone who cares about you will understand if you let them know that you’re not sure if you can join them. But try not to cut yourself off from support – if you want company or someone to talk to, then ask. There are support services open over the festive break as well.
“After a year of firsts, it can be that the following anniversaries are tough to navigate as people settle back into routines and might think that you’re OK. Talk to people to let them know how you are feeling so that they can support you.” ~ Melanie
-
Keep their memory alive.
“As an end-of-life lead nurse, I work with death and bereavement every day. However, now that both of my parents have died and now both of my in laws, the festive holidays are always a difficult time as well as anniversaries and birthdays.
“My words of advice is to continue talking about your loved one, involve them in festivities and talk about the things that they used to enjoy. Share stories and memories during conversations and this will help with the grieving process and help make those painful days slightly better.” ~ Debbie
-
Make a toast to their life.
“Grief affects us all differently and some days we struggle more than other days. When I lost my dad, I struggled to even think of Christmas. This really started to stress me out as Christmas fast approached and was affecting my sleep, day to day functioning and the ability to even smile with family and friends. The thought of having a good time and a time of celebration, made me feel guilty especially with Christmas being so close by.
“I then started to think, how as a family can we cope with the day and what could we do that gave us some comfort?
“I decided a place would be set at the table just as if dad was going to be there and a drink poured to toast his life. This was a huge comfort to not only to mam and me, but our two boys who idolised their grandad. During dinner, we talked lots about him and all the shenanigans he got up to. The day went by with lots of happy memories rather than sad and so pleased we were able to enjoy the day together.” ~ Karen
Greater Manchester Bereavement Service
The Greater Manchester Bereavement Service is there for anyone living or working in Greater Manchester who has been bereaved or affected by a death by any cause no matter how long ago. Call 0161 983 0902 or visit the Greater Manchester Bereavement Service website.
What is Dying Matters?
Dying Matters is a campaign run by the charity, Hospice UK. They work with organisations, decision makers and the public to make things better for people who are dying or grieving.
Thank you to the team at Dying Matters for putting these tips together.
